Honestly, dude, what the fuck? Not only were you the greatest actor of your generation, but your performance in “Lords of Dogtown” is one of my all-time favorites.

You know, if you really wanted to kill something with sleeping pills today, I’m sure Lindsay or Britney or Paris or — insert your own useless skank here – would’ve gladly accompanied you to lunch for some deliciously pharmaceuticalized Chinese food.

My only hope now is that something good can come out of all this. Namely, Mary-Kate Olsen being arrested for murder.

Editor’s Note: If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then perhaps it’s time to venture outside the cave and read about Heath Ledger’s untimely demise here.

Troubled (?) pop star Britney Spears was hospitalized late Thursday night after keeping police and rescue workers at bay for more than an hour by locking herself in a bathroom with her two children at her home in Beverly Hills. While no one knows exactly how the police managed to successfully defuse what one witness called “a hostage situation”, many believe she was simply coaxed out with the promise of cake and some ATTENTION.

The always reliable (but often misunderstood) OK! Magazine has the breakdown:

11:32 a.m.: Britney, in a bright fuschia halter dress and heels, arrives over 90 minutes late to her final chance to give a court-ordered deposition in her custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline. She is only able to be deposed for approximately 14 minutes.

12:20 p.m.: Brit arrives back home at her gated community, The Summit. Her sons are there for their scheduled visit, as is a court-appointed monitor.

7 p.m.: K-Fed’s security team arrives to pick up boys Sean Preston and Jayden James and bring them back to their father’s house. When there is a delay in releasing the boys, Britney’s assistant, Carla, makes excuses for the pop star. However, it soon becomes clear that there is a problem.

At some point, 2-year-old Sean Preston is removed from the house, leaving only little Jayden inside with his mother.

8 p.m.: The police are notified of a custodial situation at Britney’s house and officers are dispatched to The Summit. But when they arrive, they find that the court-appointed monitor, who has been locked out of the house, is not in possession of the paperwork required to allow them to enter Britney’s house.

9:20 p.m.: K-Fed’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan arrives at The Summit with the required paperwork. He and five police cars enter the gated community and drive up to Britney’s house.

10:30 p.m.: More than a dozen police officers, as well as two ambulances and a handful of fire rescue trucks are now on the scene. Sometime before 11 p.m., Britney’s cousin Alli and Brit’s assistant Carla leave the house, leaving Brit alone with Jayden James.

11:45 p.m.: Britney is taken out of her home strapped to a gurney and placed into an ambulance, which is escorted by 13 police cars with sirens blaring to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, arriving at approximately 12:30 a.m. Jayden is brought to the hospital in a separate vehicle.

I must admit that as far as breakdowns go, this one kind of pales in comparison to the one Britney had last year when she shaved her head and attacked the paparazzi with an umbrella. Now that had a spark of originality to it. Unlike this one which simply looks like the end of an old Warner Bros. cartoon. Cue the mouse eating cheese as the house falls down.

Editor’s Update: Yep, according to People Magazine, Britney dun lost all her child-visitation rights after last night’s fiasco and has been ordered to have her tubes tied until dead. Hooray! More cake for me.

Hopefully, 2008 will be the year that Brooke Burke finally stops shoving penises into her vagina drumsticks into her mouth and starts working out more.

Seriously, what is she up to now? Like 200 kids pounds?

Remember last week when we were walking down the street together and you kept asking me why I kept kicking every child I saw in the head? Well, my friend, here’s a perfect example why: a picture of the always-lovely Monica Bellucci and her wonderful cleavage that I can’t currently see because there’s some damn kid in the way. And if that’s not enough for you, then perhaps it’s time to think back to what your wife once looked like before she had all those stretch marks and why you can’t currently afford that new 60” plasma. Is that the wall I hear you kicking? I thought so. Work on your aim.

Editor’s Note: Okay, before anyone starts sending me e-mails wishing me bodily harm, let me come clean and admit that I was just joking about the kicking children part. I would never do such a thing, especially when my punch is that much harder. Hey, it’s not like they don’t deserve it. Children are just like people, only smaller and easier to kill.

If, of course, you’re the one responsible for cutting her hair or selling her that bikini of Playdough colors.

Special Note to Elisha Cuthbert: No, fuck you and the viral marketing campaign that convinced me to see “Captivity“. I still can’t believe that piece of shit was directed by Roland Joffe. He did “The Killing Fields“, for Christ’s sake. What did you ever do besides Kiefer Sutherland, and obviously, Roland Joffe?